The Rebellious/Docile Sibling: A Toxic Family Dynamic.

Y'all this was a long time coming. All thanks goes to my dad.

Photo by Louis Galvez on Unsplash

I'm living in a toxic household and this toxic household is affecting me mentally. So today, (in order to feel free, away from the suffocation that comes with living in a place that breeds toxicity), I picked up my phone and started typing. What was supposed to be a short piece for a TikTok video I planned to post, quickly became a full-blown essay. This goes to show how much this cankerworm is eating into me deeply, and how important pouring it out was because if I hadn't, I would have sought to survive by becoming what was hurting me, therefore becoming a toxic person too. I refuse to be what I cannot identify, or worse, realize I can identify it but refuse to, because what such realization resorts to is self-hate. 

So, if you read this and recognize how familiar this is to you, I suggest you read this; at least to offer you a much-needed clarity in your life, so you can learn how to wade through it. 

But I must mention this first. I am a human being. I might read, survey, and interview this topic from various perspectives but I am still limited to talking from personal experiences rather than speaking for everyone. As a human being, having lived only my life, I am limited to speaking confidently on mostly my experiences.

Therefore, I begin.

The Divide-and-Conquer Parent: Pitting Children Against Each Other. 

In a household with toxic parents, it is not uncommon to see that the parents in it like to pit their rebellious child or children against the obedient or docile ones. They like to paint the children that refuse to obey as the black sheep of the family, but they don't just portray this alone to the outside society but even within their own children. Unbeknownst to them, they make the children hate each other; the rebellious one hating that they're not chosen by their own parents, whereas the docile ones hate that the rebellious one is free, not clutched down by their own parents. At times even, the docile ones are naïve; believing that their parents are right and that their rebellious sibling is evil, or ungrateful, or wrong. They try to convince the rebellious one to follow suit, the rebellious one refuses, and thus, they confirm the lie their parents sowed within them; their sibling is a bad person. 

This is how most Nigerian homes are; parents using their own hands to sow hate amongst their children. 

At times, they even pit the siblings against one another through comparison. When they're with a particular child, that child does all sorts of wrong, and can never be enough or the right one. The right one is the other child who is never there. However when that child leaves, and the parent is with the one that they were praising not too long ago, they flip the tables. Suddenly, the right child is the other one they just said is the wrong one.

This, I believe, is a system or way to control their children. They pit the children against one another so the children don't stand together. 

All these sounds very close to the likening of a parent hating their child/children given the manipulative tactics and mind games. You won't be wrong because it's true; these parents actually hate their children. But hating their children does not negate or completely eradicate the fact that they also love their children too. 

Yes, it is possible. To hate and to love a person.

Love and Hate are Not Opposites: What Parents Really Feel. 

These parents see in the rebellious one, what they could never be, and in the docile ones, what they were, what they regret being. This system is what psychologists call projection, and furthermore a vicarious shame. 

Thus, the parents hate the rebellious ones because they serve as what they should have been, and worse, how the rebellious ones behave feels like a slap on their face; the refusal to obey, succumb, and follow. Things they never did because they feared if they did, it would be done unto them. That's why they're triggered so much by the rebellion; something they actively worked hard to make sure it never comes into fruition is happening after they thought it wouldn't. Also, the parents never did this to their own parents, so seeing that if they did, it would have still worked out in the end, piles up their regret and hate. Hence, their refusal to do the inner work causes them to substitute their regret with anger. Inward anger at themselves but outward anger against this child/children that holds up a mirror to them.

The docile ones however, are not exempted from the cruelty and hate of their parents, because these parents love-hate the docile ones. They serve as reminders of what they (the parents) should have struggled hard not to be. In another aspect too, when the docile child tries to attempt rebellion, the parents lash out by automatically hating the children they praised to be good. They seek to retain the control they themselves regret succumbing to. The docile ones are controlled, no matter the aspect, and if they try to break free, they are hated; thrown into the category of rebellion and made to face the challenges the rebellious child has always been facing.

The Docile Child’s Prison, and Eventual Awakening.

The docile child is therefore in a prison. The worst of them all. They know they are caged but they fear what being free entails. They see the movements to be made to attain freedom, and they see the cages are getting worse everyday. They can't choose any of these because to them there's no difference so they are trapped in fear that breeds stagnancy. It is this fear that keeps them docile, refusing to disobey, refusing to speak. But they still get tired, as it is paramount to be. So, they lash out; not on their parents, but on their rebellious siblings. They lash out with hate and envy. They want to partake in the positive side of the rebellion but don't want to suffer the consequences tied to being rebellious. They internalize the hate their parents sowed, and they hate the one they know they could. 

They still get tired of this however. Because the rebellious one is thriving; albeit not in material wealth, but in joy, fulfillment, and satisfaction. The rebellious one is living a life they chose to live; the docile one is living a life they were told to live. The docile one sees this later and admits reluctantly that the hate within them is not helping them. They decide to rebel too, maybe when it's too late, or when it's just the right time. I believe though, that in this situation there is a ‘never too late’ but the complexity of human existence is such that you cannot resolutely decide on this.

At some point, the contradiction becomes too heavy to carry in silence. The cognitive dissonance breaks the surface. It is due to this pressure that the docile one breaks free, and begins seeking ways to rekindle the relationship they have with their sibling that was broken. A unity of sorts. 

But, it should be noted that with the cognitive dissonance at play, the docile one’s change is not a paradox of sorts but an awakening that was bound to happen because when you compare your life to the life of your rebellious sibling, and see that your wants mirrors their life, and your misery mirrors your current existence, you're forced to take a step back and ask with clarity and discomfort, “Is this the sweet life I was assured that will be mine? Is this the life I envisioned? Is this how I want to live? Am I even living?” The answers are unsettling but true; uncomfortable but life-changing.

Then to the parents; they see this change and growing solidarity between siblings; and fumes; their plans are scattered and it is this togetherness amongst their children that they foresaw and sought to destroy; not because they hate a happy home but because they've not experienced one and as such is scared when confronted with the unfamiliar. The familiarity of conflict is something they can hang unto because it's something they are used to. It's something they were born in and have lived in. 

So, one might wonder at this point: What sort of parents are these? Who allowed these sorts of human beings to have kids? Why did they become this way? These are fair questions. Honest ones even. But the answer, unsatisfying as it may be, is this: the parents are victims too.

The Root of It All: Victims Who Refused to Do the Mental Work.

The parents are victims too in this.

It is this answer I can only give you. They were made victims of their circumstances, but refused to rewrite the script that dictated their life’s experiences. They played along with what they knew, and avoided the discomfort that comes with change. It is why they are wrong. It is because of this, they partake amongst those who are at fault. 

To understand the parents, one must understand their fear. At times, they weren't born into toxic situations but fear can breed toxicity, and they were afraid. Their fear began their vice. Their refusal to stand up made their hands itch to pull others down. Toxicity and fear can thrive with or without the other, but their presence in one way or another can lead them to find each other in a situation. A toxic man can instill fear in a young child put under his care, and this toxic man (if peered into deeply) is just a scared man who uses his toxicity to hide his fear.

To truly understand the fear of these parents, one must look even further back, to the foundation of the home itself. In Nigeria, there is a concept embedded in how we speak about marriage; a man takes a woman and she becomes "our wife"; not his wife, but the community's. A marriage not necessarily built on love, but on the fulfillment of social expectation. When a home begins there, is it any surprise that the children born into it inherit its dysfunction? But that is a conversation for another day.

Conclusion

Therefore, to conclude this piece…how do you rectify this dynamic? To rectify this dynamic, you must heal. Not partially, not selectively, but genuinely. You must stop seeing yourself only as the victim and come to terms with the uncomfortable truth that everyone in this dynamic is miserable. The rebellious one. The docile one. The parents. Everyone is carrying something heavy, and everyone is bleeding.

But if there is even a tiny part of you that still wants to retain the family; that still believes it can be something other than what it has been; then healing is not optional. It is the only way.

And healing is not a feeling. It is a decision followed by practical steps. It is therapy, or hard conversations, or boundaries, or forgiveness, not for them, but for yourself. It looks different for everyone, but it begins the same way for all: with the willingness to stop repeating what was done to you.

The cycle ends when someone decides it does. Let that someone be you. 

I believe I have said a lot. I’m currently in a place where I can say no more. At first, these words were just incoherent thoughts but now, I believe I’ve structured it in a way that you can understand it. So, thank you for reading this piece. I appreciate it!